Sunday, November 25, 2012

Things They Should Invent: give out your primary online presence rather than asking for phone numbers

Reading this Reddit thread, I was surprised how many people seem to still be subscribing to what should really be considered an old-fashioned script for hitting on people: you approach them, say something complimentary or clever, exchange some banter, and ultimately walk away with their phone number.

This is not a good script, because the stated definition of success (the approachee giving their phone number to the approacher) has the approachee bearing all the risk.  Now someone you barely know has your phone number.  You don't have their phone number, you don't know anything about them other than what they've told you during your conversation. The approacher is the one who started it, so they should bear the risk by giving their contact information to the approachee, rather than vice versa.  The standard script is really the in-person equivalent of phishing.

But the norm of giving out a phone number is also suboptimal. The phone number tells you nothing except how to contact a person.  It would be far more useful for the approacher to give the approachee the address of their primary online presence - blog, twitter, facebook, even a reddit profile is informative.  Then the approachee could vet the approacher at their leisure, see what kind of person they are, what kind of opinions they have, what they're a fan of, whether they do that annoying thing where they make elipses out of commas,,,,,etc.  If the approachee is particularly enthusiastic, they can share their primary online presence right away; if they're more hesitant, they can retain the option to vet first.

The problem with taking this approach is that it currently isn't normal.  It would come across as both arrogant and creepy-weird to walk up to someone, hand them a card, and say "Here's my website, check me out."

But if this method could be normalized, it would make approaching people both more honest and more efficient.  You wouldn't need to have a conversation to win them over, your online presence will do that for you if they're compatible.  So you can just walk up to them and write down your URL or hand over your card.  You also wouldn't have to come up with a pick up line or a clever way to make conversation or otherwise figure out a way to artificially win someone's trust enough to get them to take the risk of giving you their phone number.  You can just say "Hi, I think your red hair is gorgeous. Here's where to find me if you're interested."  If you're the approachee, you can see how attractive the approacher is when they approach you (if that's a decision factor), but you can also find out more about them at your leisure rather than having to base your decision on their charm offensive.  You'll also be able to discover core incompatibilities faster (e.g. you're childfree and they're not, they prioritize health and fitness and you would like to retain the option of letting yourself go) and thereby avoid wasting time trying to make someone who's essentially incompatible like you.

This would also allow people who are interested in doing so to move on more people in a given night.  You don't have to make an excuse to stop talking to each person, you're just politely retreating to give them space after you hand over your card, so there's nothing wrong with talking to another person afterwards (although it would come across as skeevy if you walked straight over to th enext person).  You can, of course, have an actual conversation immediately if both parties are inclined, but it's not necessary to close the deal.

At this point, you might be thinking "But a person could totally create a fake online presence!"  Yes, and a person could totally lie to someone they're trying to pick up.  But for people who are being genuine, giving out your online presence would be a far better approach than asking for the person's phone number.  This method needs to be normalized.

6 comments:

laura k said...

Back when I did such things, people who were genuinely interested would write down their own phone number, give it to the person they were interested in, and say, Call me. This showed interest while assuming the risk.

IIRC, it was more commonplace to give a phone number than to ask for one.

These days I would do the same thing with an email address. If I did such things now, which I don't.

impudent strumpet said...

It's weird that you were doing (what I see as) the more modern version in the past, but these redditors are doing (what I see as) the more old-fashioned version in the present.

But then maybe that's why they're asking for relationship advice on reddit.

laura k said...

But then maybe that's why they're asking for relationship advice on reddit.

:>)

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